The C Word
Woke up this morning, feeling a little worried about later today and getting the results, but i'd got a busy day at work ahead of me, so i pushed it to the back of my mind and off to work i went.
Came home at 2.30pm, collected Rich and off we went..... after last time i wasn't going alone!
3.45pm....still sat in the waiting room, looking like i'm at a tennis match now, head going left to right watching every one else go in before me.
Right here we go, so i walk towards the consultants door with the nurse leading me, who introduces herself as Lindsay too, she explains that in the room will be;
Mr Ghosh (Consultant)
Herself (Staff nurse)
and Alison - no explanation of who Alison is but i just figured she was a student nurse, until she opened the door and i saw Alison.....
Again in my job, you know the routines, equipments and damn uniforms....
Alison's uniform was a Cancer Nurse Specialist uniform!!
So Mr Ghosh began to explain about the scan, mammogram and biopsies then said....
"I'm sorry Lindzi but it is breast cancer!"
Now even though i'd already clocked Alison and already knew, nothing quite prepares you for hearing that C word.
My reaction, was i put my hands on the top of my head, exhaled and burst into tears!
Then came the "sympathy faces," everyone was staring at me, except Rich, his eyes were fixed on Mr Ghosh, because i knew he was about to hang on to his every word, which is a good job, cos after that i didn't hear a thing!
Lips were moving but it's a bit of a blur as to what was actually said, although Mr Ghosh did mention mastectomy....
So i've now moved rooms and i'm sat with Rich, whose still not looked at me, and Alison whose still giving me that sympathy look.
Alison is talking about mastectomies, reconstruction and possibly chemotherapy!
HOLY SHIT.....hang on a minute, is this really about me?
Alison leaves the room for a minute and all i can manage to say is.....
"Fuck Rich, i've got cancer!"
All he managed back was....
"I know love, but i'm here!"
Alison returns and there's a conversation about making sure i don't get pregnant for if i have to have chemo, yeah like i'm gonna go home and jump on Rich after that shock!
Then she mentions the girls....asked their ages and gave me a book for Taya (4 year old) which is a story book, called "Mummy's Lump" designed to tell the story of what mummy is about to go through in a way they understand.
Anyway i'm now walking through the hospital trying to find the phlebotomy area to have some bloods taken before my MRI scan next Tuesday.
(Don't ask me how and when these were arranged all i got was a card with various appointments on, as well as a ring binder of resources for women with breast cancer, that Rich bless him, carried all the way round the hospital making sure the words "breast cancer" were covered up.)
So to get to the place i needed to be, i had to walk through the entire hospital.
So head is spinning, legs are like jelly and i feel as sick as a dog, then i spot an old work colleague, who typically says....
"What you doing here?"
Well my answer was....
"I've just been diagnosed with breast cancer!" Then i burst out crying and squeezed the life out of her, well she wasn't expecting that i can tell you, so as i clung onto her for dear life, she just mumbled..."oh my god, what can i do Lindz?"
My response was... "tell people at work."
I knew telling her was better than telling the Barnsley Chronicle and every bugger would know saving me a job.
Ok so bloods done, now time to go home and tell the family! :(