The Real Deal
stockings and gown, had just uploaded to Facebook and then when i looked up, there's a nurse stood there saying she has come to take me to theatre...
I'm now walking down to theatre with the nurse, and Rich, i'm in the lift and i'm actually reassuring Richard! Who has gone very quiet now, the nurse is discussing how my name is spelt, but really i don't care.
Out the lift, and into a little waiting room, the conversation between me and Rich as follows:
Rich; You feeling ok Lindz?
Me; You know what Rich, i am yeah, funnily enough i don't actually feel that bad now!?
Nurse reappears, and tells me this is it.....i have to climb onto this trolley and say bye to Rich. I hug him tight, kiss him and say see you soon, he looks worse than i did!!!
So i'm now all alone, being wheeled down the corridor and chatting away to the staff who are pushing me, i think due to my job and doing a 2 week placement in theatre while i was doing my training helped me at this part, because i knew what to expect, i was wheeled into theatre 7, and waiting for me was the anaethetist, ODP and theatre nurse.
I'm now being cannulated in my left and right hand and a nurse is holding my hand and stroking my hair! I'm breathing in an oxygen mask with the anaethetist telling me....
"all is well Lindzi, now count to 10"
Here we go i thought.... 1..........2............3...........GONE!!!!
"Hi Lindzi, i'm Rose, your ok, the operation went well and your in recovery"
I'm thinking wow that was fast, ha if only i knew it had taken 10 hours, oh wait erm Rose.......i'm gonna be sick........
Natural reaction, i sat up and threw up.....OUCHHHHHHHH why does it feel like i've got 2 vices under my armpits tightening up?! Oh yeah Lindz you dozy cow you have just had breast surgery......and back to sleep i went, i kept opening my eyes and looking around, and there was Rose watching me, i had another little nap and then she told me i was going upto the ward very soon. I suddenly remembered all my family who had been waiting for me all this time were now up on the ward waiting to see me. I smiled a little as i thought about them and how relieved they would be to see me.
I'm now on the ward and nurses are all over me, but through the crack in the door i can see Cobie, i smiled, blinked, and then saw Rich, again, i smiled, blinked and then saw my mum, everytime i blinked another member of my family appeared. I just nodded off and left them to it, i do remember my mum asking me if i'd seen my boobs and i gave her thumbs up....i've since learnt that Cobie and everyone else then had a sneak peek at my new boobs, and they couldn't believe that i wasn't bandaged up just had dressings on.
I slept on and off for the rest of the night, hitting the morphine button like it was going out of fashion!!!
My god my head feels woozy, i really need to stop hitting that morphine PCA button, but hang on i'm in agony.....the morning passes by in a daze, the nurse looking after me keeps putting me on a bedpan as i'm busting for a pee but can't manage one. Eventually she passes an intermittent catheter on me and drains 1500ml straight off me, then a couple of hours later i'm the same again so this time she passing a self retaining one, at this point i'd gone past caring just help me pee.
3.30pm - Visiting Time
I hear little feet pottering down the corridor and know it's my baby girls, i know Cobie saw me yesterday but i can't remember seeing her properly, and now here they are both in the room grinning at me (i'm thinking oh god, how is taya going to react seeing me like this?)
She pointed out every piece of equipment and asked what it was for then moved onto the next, as long as she knew what they are for and why they were fastened to her mum she was ok. Kaye then arrived and my dad and the conversation was a bit of blur inbetween morphine wiping me out again. Why anyone would take that for kick i'll never know, it was during visiting times that i asked the nurse to come and take down the PCA, i can't cope with this fuzzy headed feeling anymore. I need to get onto oral medication that won't give me a fuzzy head.....operation get washed and dressed by Kaye and Hannah (this should be fun)
So it's Tuesday afternoon visiting and Kaye and Hannah are washing me, Hannah works on the ward as an HCA so they aren't taking over.
I'm laid in bed, with my eyes rolling in the back of my head, Hannah is frantically searching through my bag while Kaye is trying to get the theatre gown off me, they both know i feel like shit and need to get into my own pjs and get freshened up so it's now like something off the Cube.....i'm expecting Philip Schofield to burst through the door at any second.
Face and hand wipes are whizzing all over me, there's a brief moment where Hannah takes the piss out of my "little" pants to which Kaye replies.... "Watson, she's only 8 stone wet through what do you expect!"
All of a sudden, i'm fresh, in my own t-shirt and knickers, with my hair brushed and plaited and my teeth brushed and feel soooooo much better.
I'm now sat up, waiting for my tea and for the first time i actually feel a little hungry.
That night i slept ok again as i still had quite a lot of morphine in me, although it's a strane feeling having to sleep sat up!!
WednesdayMr Ghosh visited me yesterday but i couldn't remember what he had said, so when he visited today he went over it all again, he told me the operation had gone very well, they had removed lymph nodes and sent them for testing (the results of these will determine if i have chemo or not - i find out on Thursday 9th July) He explained that everything had been stitched up ok, and the reason my boobs looked like they did was due to swelling etc. He also said that one of my drains could come out today and he would catch back up with me on Thursday.
During my training i removed loads of drains from patients and being honest never batted an eye lid....HA i will in future, this procedure absolutely kills.....the drains are wound and coiled that far inside your body that when they are tugged on it feels like your insides are being ripped out.....luckily the nurse who was removing mine TRIED to distract me but sadly i knew exactly what was happened and just huffed and puffed my way through it.
So i'm now down to 3 drains and one catheter.... which is now irritating the life out of me, but thank god i ain't gotta get up every time i want a pee cos that would nearly kill me.
Today was also the first time i got out of bed and into the chair...now with 3 drains and a catheter in tow this is no simple job, the staff who washed me etc and go me up were brilliant, but my god, i got out of bed, had sweat pouring off me, was about to throw up and guess who walked in.........
saying, Lindzi, can you lift you arms to shoulder height!? Erm wait a minute while i hold this vomit bowl, pick my ass up off the floor cos i've just fainted and then i'll tell you!!
Not the greatest of times to come in and start commanding someone to do exercises, especially when that someone is as gobby as i am!!!
Don't worry i did apologise to her the following day when she dared to come back to see me, but to be fair she did admit her timing was terrible!
So i managed 5 minutes in the chair and felt terrible, i now again know how my patients have felt in the past, i asked to go back to bed and luckily the staff let me, once in bed i fell asleep for 2 hours, in agony as well but that 5 minute sit out had wore me out.
When i woke up i made a point of making sure i got out of bed for my meals, and trying to stay out for as long as i could, the worse thing is how tight my chest and back feels, it's so weird to explain, but it's pure agony!
That night i didn't sleep for any longer than 20 minutes at a time, that made a very long night and i had an awful long time to think then, my main thought was what the hell had they done to me, why me? This was far too bad for it to possibly have gone well!?
At 4am, i cried...and cried....and cried, once i opened those gates i couldn't stop, it was like all those weeks worth of emotions since being diagnosed had finally hit me. I'd been hacked, prodded, poked, sleep deprived, was in huge amounts of pain, couldn't pee and now i was going to cry.
At 6am, i stopped crying, wiped my face and nose and decided i wasn't going to do that again.
I'd got into the routine of the ward now and when the pain relief was due, my god i knew about it, my whole upper body tightens and throbs.
At this point i was having;
1 gram of paracetamol 4 times a day
400mg Ibruprofen 3 times a day
50mg Tramadol 4 times a day
With Oromorph as required......which believe me through the night this was a definate requirement.
I had another drain removed today, same as yesterday hurt like hell but shit happens right?
At 8pm, i asked the nurse for my meds as the pain was creeping up on me, at 10.45pm i finally got them and i was now crying in sheer agony and writhing round the bed, in total i slept for 1 hour Thursday night as the pain had gotten that bad no amount of oromorph was going to shift that.
There is no way on god's earth i'm staying here another night and being put through that much pain, because some nurse couldn't organise a piss up in a brewary and obviously hated working nights and dispensing medication. Bad time management skills - dispense pain relief then collect the fucking water jugs!!!!!
Anyway....this lady is going home today, unless Mr Ghosh says no obviously!
So ward round, verdict is....... catheter out, take drains out then go home!!!!!
Oh Mr Ghosh, i could kiss you!
Right all systems go; phoned rich, told him to come get me, Nurse came and took out my catheter, then i pee'd into jugs to be measured.....thnk god i could pee or i'd have been gutted,
Now just 2 more drains to be removed, all dressings to be changed and a good look at my new body to get through....easy peasy!!
2pm - Richard and Lauren arrives, right Nurse i'm off, i'll send Richard up later for my medications, i can't stand to be in here any longer, oh did i also mention that i'd not had a cig for 5 days at this point!?
So in the car, guess what i did.........
Clung onto my titties for dear life, that was the most painful car ride i've ever had, and i'm so glad i didn't live any further away from the hospital than i did.
Ha no i didn't have a smoke, i'm not going too either!!
Once home i set up camp on the sofa and relaxed while everyone ran about after me, ooo i could get used to this.
I slept a lot better that night cos my mum had got me all comfy with pillows and i'd had my pills on time!!!
Still sleeping half sat up but it won't be for long and it will all be worth it in the end.
Saturday my mum washed my hair, and decided she was going to fatten me up (big mistake) my appetite came back today and i've eaten...
Toasted tea cake
Fried egg sandwich
Jacket potato with beans
and that was all before 9pm!!!! Still not had a smoke though!
It's now 10.45 pm and i'm sat on the sofa all relaxed, i'm going to the wound clinic on Monday 6th July for my dressings changed and on Thursday 9th July i've got an appointment to see Mr Ghosh to discuss my results from the lymph nodes.
I'll update you all when i get any news.