My thoughts, rants etc
Well after a very busy weekend moving house, i've finally found my laptop and charger and thought i would update you all on recent events.
This morning i attended my pre-assessment appointment, had a good chat about the surgery, pain relief, and aftercare.
Had my observations taken, and some bloods, and surprisingly my blood pressure and pulse wasn't sky high!
On Monday before surgery i've got to have a blue dye put in to me to make the nodes easier to detect.....side effects.... BLUE urine and possibly a BLUE FACE!!!! Ha great stuff, like i ain't gonna look bad enough after theatre i'm also gonna look like a bloody smurf!!
I'm on the countdown now, Monday is coming both too fast but also too slow, if that makes sense. I want to get on with it and get the operation done, but walking into hospital on Monday morning is going to take some doing. That morning will be a real test of how strong I am.
I was laid in the bath last night, looking at my boobs (as you do) thinking, on Sunday i'm throwing these bad boys a farewell party!!!! Nothing flash obviously just a nice soak in the bath and a few farewell words to them!! haha
What with the house move i've been so busy that i've not really had a lot of time to think about what's ahead of me, but now as i'm getting settled in the house etc, i'm starting to realise that the operation i'm having is MASSIVE, it's going to take a lot of recovery and rehabilitation and i'm not known for my patience!
Various people including my GP keep saying they can't believe how well i'm handling all this, but i think the real test for me will be after the surgery, not because i'll look different, but more because i'm going to have my independence taken away for a while, and that will drive me mad!!!
But once again I have no control, and i'm just going to have to learn to let my body heal in it's own time so i can get back to normal. Easier said than done i know, but with my mum coming to stay the chances of me pushing myself too far are very slim! She will be a fantastic nurse and make everything perfect for me.
I am so lucky to have such an amazing support network, cos i know a lot of people going through this have hardly anyone to turn to.
I accept gifts of chocolate, cash, slippers, pj's and a good book to read! lol
Nar i'm joking, just come visit me, and keep my chin up and that'll be enough for me.
I'm off now to get Taya from nursery, i shall update this on Sunday night after the boob farewell party!
I've just returned from the hospital appointment with Mr Ghosh, good news is my lymph nodes are clear!!!!
My surgery date is; Monday 29th June
I'll have my pre-assessment next week, then monday morning be at the hospital for 7.30am. Into theatre about 9-9.30am and 7 hours later i shall wake up with 2 new boobs, 4 drains, and a whole lotta pain!!
I am now SHITTING myself as it's all a bit offical and scary, but onwards and upwards and all that.
No more what if's, but's and maybe's....well except for if i need chemo, but that will be decided when i'm in theatre i think and Mr Ghosh can get a good look at the squatter!
Speaking of squatter......
I, Lindzi Ward, hereby give you little cancerous squatting bastard 10 days notice before eviction proceedings begin. If you could keep calm and not cause me any problems in that time, i promise to evict you quickly and efficiently.
It's the morning of the biopsy results and I've just got ready and i'm now busy packing the remaining bits of my house, ready for the big move on Saturday, I can't wait now, i am sick of the sight of cardboard boxes and having my house all upside down.
They say that moving house is the most stressful thing to do in life, ha try moving house, been diagnosed with breast cancer and fighting the school authorities for a school place!
I'm not blowing my own horn but my god i must be tough, i honestly don't know how I have got through all this these past few weeks, but i guess if i actually stopped for a second and thought about it.... then i'd have a breakdown! I suppose in a way, this house move has been a distraction for me, god help me this time next week when i'm all unpacked and settled in the new house, then i'll probably have the breakdown as i'll have time to sit and think!
So today's plans are;
1) Keep packing
2) Meeting with Mr Ghosh at 2.30pm for lymph node biopsy results and hopefully get a surgery date (yes i know i keep saying that, but apparantly getting 2 surgeons together to perform my operation is proving quite difficult!)
3) Come home, tell the family, and update this for you all to see
4) Pack, pack, pack and my team of merry movers are coming to get all the furniture into my kitchen to make moving day a little bit easier.
Somewhere inbetween that lot will be stop, take a breath, and eat some food! Well i'll try to anyway!
Please check back later and read the results from today section!
Had to share today's thought's with you, because i've been in a foul mood all day about it.
So i work as a community staff nurse for the NHS, i work 30 hours a week and today i spoke to payroll regarding sick pay, i will get full pay till August, then half pay and statutory sick pay, but come December i will get nothing.
December and no pay with 2 kids.....Jesus! Anyway, that's beside the point, i MAYBE back at work, but i MIGHT not be.
Although, come December if i'm still not well enough for work, i don't need the added pressure of feeling like i have to go back to work, as then i could cause further stress and sickness by not being ready.
So after this, i worked out my outgoings and shit myself, as i'm a single mum of 2 with bills to pay cancer or not.
I contacted the Macmillan benefits advisor's who are fantastic, they really know their stuff, however, when it comes down to claiming some money to support me and my girls while i go through this shit of a disease.....
i can get...... NOTHING!!!
Well ok i can get a little bit of my rent paid, and a little bit of my council tax paid, anything else tough shit!
I am not blaming the Macmillan benefits advisors at all, i know this is nothing to do with them but it has definetely got my goat.
If cancer is terminal (god forbid) the Government throw money at you, if your a 32 year old single mum, who gets off her arse everyday and works....you get NAFF all???
Where is the sense in that? I'm damn sure i can't tell british gas, oh i've got cancer, sorry i aint paying!!
I still have my bills to pay, and obviously if i didnt need to work, i wouldnt!!!
So after this bombshell today i have been in a foul mood!
I'm also not saying that terminally ill people don't deserve any money given to them, what i'm wondering is why can't every cancer patient be entitled to some kind of financial help while they fight this shitty, life ruining disease?
As you can imagine, this is now something else to keep me awake at night, i know that what will be, will be, and i have NO control over how long it takes me to get better, but worrying about money is not gonna lessen my recovery time is it!?!?
ARGHHHHHH this bloody Government, really get on my Tits! ha on my tits, get it!?