I've been in a very funny mood today, with my feelings and emotions all over the place.
Hence, the "right words" title, i'm not writing this to gain sympathy, i'm writing this so i can get my thoughts out, and move on. Writing this blog and pounding on the keyboard has massively helped me.
So, here goes.....
I'm lonely, but at the same time i'm surrounded by family and friends who are all supporting me, so how the hell can i feel lonely? I don't know, but today i have felt so lonely it's untrue. I'm 3 week post operation and while i'm managing everyday tasks, i've still not driven yet, i don't know if this is what's making me feel lonely and isolated maybe, but i also know i don't feel 100% confident to drive just yet.
I think it's also a physical thing too, no one has grabbed me and hugged the life out of me for 3 weeks now, obviously people can't do that cos i would scream, but it's certainly something i'm missing, me and the girls have adapted a way they can hug me, but it's not the same.
I feel like i'm sat here surviving rather than living. When i put the application in on this house, i never for one moment imagined that i would be on long term sick fighting breast cancer and having chemotherapy etc, i want to get out and about and do everything i want before my chemo starts but obviously i'm very restricted due to the recovery from surgery.
I also look in the mirror and a blank expression seems to be looking back at me, generally i feel ok, but i think my eyes are telling me different. If i could have sectioned my hair and chopped it off myself last night i would have. It doesn't look the same anymore, it doesn't feel the same and to me it's lost it's shine and life! Silly i know but it's almost like it's having a strop before it comes off.
Everything feels different, for the first time since i was diagnosed i'm looking at myself differently, not because of my new boobs i'm well and truly used to those, but more now as a cancer patient....trying to imagine how i'll look bald, tired and generally knackered!!!
Once again that is the power of cancer.....it get's everywhere, it effects everything and it's a BASTARD to shake off. How different this blog is from the Taybarn's one the other night eh!? But again only cancer can take someone on this kind of emotional rollercoaster that unless you have been here......you will never understand.
Right thanks for reading, i'm going to watch some MORE television.