I'm writing this today as for the past week I've been feeling a little lost, fed up and unsure of who I'm now supposed to be.
I finished radiotherapy on the 12th February and since then i've had 2 hospital appointments, one for my 4 weekly zolidex injection and one to see the cancer support nurse.
2!!!! Yes only 2, and now i'm lost!? What the hell do i do now. I'm not well enough to return to work yet, but not ill enough to be laid on the sofa or in bed all day.
I'm in limbo, for the past 9 months i've had a clear plan and regime, NOW, i'm riding this alone and have no idea what i'm supposed to be doing. I'm trying to find my new "normal" but after something as big as Cancer.....what's normal now?!
Normal certainly isn't how my body looks..... i've got a VERY short hair do, my body aches all over, no nipples, a burnt right boob from the radiotherapy, 6 scars, wobbly thighs with dimples in, a bigger arse, and horrible dry skin!
Wow if that's normal, i'll be applying for a modeling contract next!
I've also got terrible insomnia. I lay in bed for hours on a night with everything running through my head and then when i finally do fall asleep, the bloody hot flushes kick in and wake me up again! ARGGGGGHHHHHHHHH
Then i finally get up with a migraine from lack of sleep, and spend most of the day trying not to move my head too much!
I think this is just the new me!
Physically this journey has worn me out, mentally though it has changed me into hopefully a better person. I now feel like I should be grateful for everything i have in my life, including my dodgy no nippled boobs! All my family and friends who have supported me and even the woman in the petrol station who told me my hair looked lovely!
Everyday, we as a society wish for and want better, bigger things......what's bigger and better than being here, being healthy and surrounded by people who love you!?
Stop wanting, start living and loving life, that's what i'm trying to do and i'm now slowly starting to come out of the other side of this journey to hell and back. And believe me this side looks hell of a lot better!!!!
Still waiting for Genetic testing results, but like i said before i'll update this when I get them.