This is brutally honest
All the side effects I’ve described for the past 3 sessions have been relatively brief, but now due to not having slept for 3 nights and been in total agony I’m going to describe exactly how these shitty side effects feel. This is to help me vent some anger, help people going through this and to also help people to understand exactly how brutal chemotherapy is.
This is not like normal nausea, this one is the sick in your throat constantly kind, the wet mouth that you can’t shake off no matter how much you swallow. Yes the anti-sickness do help, but for me only for a short while.
My mouth constantly tastes like claggy stale tea…. Not a very good description but the only way I can describe it. This effects my taste buds for everything, the majority of foods therefore taste burnt, and even very mild things e.g. tomato ketchup…..burns my mouth!
My mouth is also constantly dry, which then leaves a thick mucous at the back of my throat which feels like I’m choking on it!
I get these anyway, but when your body is so run down they make me feel 100% worse, then they spread cos I’m so run down, I have 4 up my right nostril and one on my bottom lip right now.
DON’T bring any scented moisturisers or sprays near me, I will break out in spots. So I can’t even try and make myself feel better by using my products and pampering myself.
This is either due to the drugs or it’s to do with the neuropathy. But let me tell you even consuming stupid amounts of laxido (which tastes crap anyway without taste changes) I still feel like I’m giving birth!
Yes the biggy, well I’d already got rid of mine, and last Saturday I shaved it down to bare blade on the hair clippers so I haven’t got a great deal left now, however, it is still coming out, I notice a few more bald patches every day and OTHER body hairs have gone completely too. (You know which I mean)
Neuropathy in my hands
So the ends of my fingers tingle all the time and feel numb. I’ve lost sensation to heat and they also feel like little electric shocks are going through them!
Neuropathy in my legs/feet
This one is the bitch that’s keeping me awake, this feels like the electric shocks but also like someone has got hold of my legs and is snapping my bones clean in half! The pain from this is unreal, I’m walking around like a 90 year old woman with arthritis. It has gotten worse over the last few nights, not too bad through the day but at night it comes back with vengeance.
Tired and fatigue are sooooo different, a long day at work makes you tired. Lifting your arm to eat gives you fatigue, it knocks you out so much that I feel like there are lead weights in my back pinning me down.
Wow don’t even get me started on this bit……I’m aching, tired, in pain etc and I can cry, but now once I start I don’t seem to be able to stop, and I actually have to get mad with myself. Although I am mad, I’m mad that I’m going through this and I’m mad that I can’t do a thing about it. I’m mad that this shitty bastard disease is stopping me from taking care of my children, and even stopping them being able to sit with me, as all my body aches so if they touch me it’s like they have set me on fire. And with a boisterous 4 year old it’s not always easy to be treated gentle.
So there you have it, the good, bad, ugly part of chemo (although the only good bit will be when I’ve finished) this is getting harder both physically and mentally, I have always openly spoken about the tests, surgery etc but this chemotherapy is slowly grinding me down.
I have 3 more sessions to go and I would rather shit in my hands and clap than have that poison pumped into me, however again I have no control, it’s a no brainer, I know I have to have it, but would you if it made you feel like that?! Yes it’s for my own good, but come on give me a break!!!!!!
Sorry for the very long winded blog, but I’ve had to get back up out of bed and I’ll be spending the night on the sofa cos the neuropathy is so bad, so I thought I’d give it you all…….from fart to stink!!!!
PLEASE PLEASE be happy!!!